Starting Point.

I stare at the clock. I see the hands ticking around the numbers. Slowly, soothingly with a soft click as each second passes by. But I can’t comprehend what time it is. It’s like my brain is in a fog and even the simplest of tasks like telling time is impossible. I look down at the thick packet of paper in my hands and try to get my pen to write something logical but I can’t. I look up again at the clock, hoping something makes sense, but the fog is still too heavy. I focus in on a poster on the wall; it’s a black and white pie chart with different categories in each slice of the pie. In the center it says “Power and Control”. I start reading in the first pie slice.

“Using Intimidation- Making her afraid through looks, actions, or gestures. Smashing things, destroying her property. Abusing pets or displaying weapons.” My breath catches a little and I move onto a different pie slice.

“Using Emotional Abuse-Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she’s crazy, playing mind games. Humiliating her or making her feel guilty. “ Check, check, check….check and check.

I jump to a different slice.

“Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming-Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns seriously. Saying the abuse didn’t happen. Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior or saying she caused it.” I stop reading. It’s too real, too raw. Too close to the truth.

As I pause and look back at my packet of papers, the reality of where my life has landed hits me like a ton of bricks. Until that moment, reading the pie chart, I hadn’t reconciled with the fact that I had been abused for a very long time. I start crying softly; one of my children comes up to comfort me. There’s two women helping me, and one distracts my kids off to the side with some toys and books while I compose myself. “I don’t really know what to write or what is important. I don’t know where to start. Can you help me figure this out?” I say to the volunteer in front of me. She had told me her name, and what organization she worked for, but that was all lost in the fog too. “I can’t tell you what to write or what’s important. It’s all depends on what the judge thinks is important. It’s your story and you have to tell it,” she says. My story to tell, huh?? Well. It’s a sad story. It’s not the story I wanted, for me, for my children. But I press on anyways. I pick up the pen, and I write my story. I fill out every last page in the ultra thick packet and request an injunction. A restraining order. And it’s a starting point, the first step towards a new story for me, for my children.

I heard a song many months later into my story that resonated so much with me by Maverick City and Naomi Raine, titled “The Story I’ll Tell” The lyrics still make me tear up when I play the song.

The hour is dark
And it's hard to see
What You are doin' here in the ruins
And where this will lead
Oh, but I know
That down through the years
I'll look on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here

And I'll testify of the battles You've won
How You were my portion when there wasn't enough
And I'll testify of the seas that we've crossed
The waters You parted, the waves that I've walked

Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail (Yeah)
Oh-oh-oh, it's the story I'll tell
Singing, oh-oh-oh, I know it is well
Oh-oh-oh, it's the story I'll tell

Believing gets hard
When options are few
When I can't see what You're doin', I know that You're proving
You're the God who comes through
Oh, but I know (Woo, yeah)
That over the years
I'll look back on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here

And I'll testify of the battles You've won, yeah-yeah
How You were my portion when there wasn't enough, oh
I'll testify of the seas that we've crossed, yes, I will
The waters You parted, the waves that I've walked (Woo)

Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail
Singing, oh-oh-oh, that's the story I'll tell, oh
Oh-oh-oh, I know it is well, yeah
Oh-oh-oh, it's the story I'll tell (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

And all that is left is highest praises, yeah, yeah
So sing hallelujah to the Rock of Ages
Come on, sing it, all that's left
All that is left is highest praises, so sing it, sing it
So sing hallelujah to the Rock, to the Rock of Ages
Oh, all that is left
All that is left is highest praises, praises, sing
(So sing hallelujah) To the Rock of Ages
Sing it to the Rock, we'll sing it to the Rock, oh, that's right
All that is left is highest praises, highest praises, sing it
Sing hallelujah to the Rock, to the Rock of Ages

And I'll testify of the battles You've won (Yeah)
How You were my portion (Yeah) when there wasn't enough, Provider
And I'll sing the song of the seas
That we crossed (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
The waters You parted, the waves that I've walked (es)

Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail (yes, Lord)
Never ever failed me
Oh-oh-oh, it's the story I'll tell
It's my testimony
Oh-oh-oh, I know it is well
Oh-oh-oh, that's the story I'll tell

It's the story I'll tell
It's the story I'll tell

Which brings me to the story now. The part where resilience and faith win. The part where we make a starting point for others to have a story and a song, and a new life.

Ashes to Exodus is nowhere near a finished product. There’s hard work to be done for sure. But I’m confident in the calling and the need. I know there is other women out there just waiting for their moment of clarity too, for the right volunteer to speak to them in their fog and help them rewrite their story.

Want to help our mission?? Use the Contact Us page to reach out. Stay tuned while we build it from the ground up!

With Gratitude and Determination,